huel
for your consideration
In response to “Monogamous or Poly” section of the Slutstack Podcast Ep. 26:
So, I am embarrassed about this but I ordered a sample pack of Huel thinking I would spare myself the emotional labor of deciding what to eat for breakfast.
I will have you all know: Huel is neither monogamy nor polyamory-coded.
It is wtf-coded.
It is misery-coded.
It is cruel-and-unusual-punishment-coded.
It is “I am pouring cement down my gullet whilst pretending that it is food”-coded.
I took seven half-hearted sips between the hours of 9am and 12pm and gave up. A very kind friend caught wind of my distress, came by, and made me a bowl of buttered egg noodles instead.
The sleek, monochromatic, Huel-branded shaker sits on my kitchen counter. Mocking me. No, no, no, no, no. I do not care how nutritionally complete or “clean” it claims to be. I can’t. I won't.
I would pour it down the sink but I am quite sure it will clog my sink, and then I would have to call the plumber who will charge me the local equivalent of $1500 for 2 hours of work.
Huel is to food what a situationship with a deliberately obtuse and anatomically unaware f-boi is to relationship anarchy.
It technically shows up. It claims to meet my specifications. It is aggressively confident.
It is WRONG.
I can’t even get rid of it quickly, because it will clog the exit.
I am simply stuck with it in my bin (thank G-d I can leave my bins out on the balcony) for a full three days, until the garbage trucks come on Friday morning.
I am sorry to Huel.
I am sorry for Huel.
But alas, Huel and I were not meant to be.
I wish Huel all the best in its future endeavours.
Self-supported, community-fuelled (thankfully not Huel-ed): Throne

Huel used to be good. Did you buy the meals? They do suck but the shakes are good (just have to pick the right taste) not sure if they changed the formula since
Never tried it. Now I probably won’t