huel

for your consideration

In response to “Monogamous or Poly” section of the Slutstack Podcast Ep. 26:

So, I am embarrassed about this but I ordered a sample pack of Huel thinking I would spare myself the emotional labor of deciding what to eat for breakfast.

I will have you all know: Huel is neither monogamy nor polyamory-coded.

It is wtf-coded.

It is misery-coded.

It is cruel-and-unusual-punishment-coded.

It is “I am pouring cement down my gullet whilst pretending that it is food”-coded.

I took seven half-hearted sips between the hours of 9am and 12pm and gave up. A very kind friend caught wind of my distress, came by, and made me a bowl of buttered egg noodles instead.

The sleek, monochromatic, Huel-branded shaker sits on my kitchen counter. Mocking me. No, no, no, no, no. I do not care how nutritionally complete or “clean” it claims to be. I can’t. I won't.

I would pour it down the sink but I am quite sure it will clog my sink, and then I would have to call the plumber who will charge me the local equivalent of $1500 for 2 hours of work.

Huel is to food what a situationship with a deliberately obtuse and anatomically unaware f-boi is to relationship anarchy.

It technically shows up. It claims to meet my specifications. It is aggressively confident.

It is WRONG.

I can’t even get rid of it quickly, because it will clog the exit.

I am simply stuck with it in my bin (thank G-d I can leave my bins out on the balcony) for a full three days, until the garbage trucks come on Friday morning.

I am sorry to Huel.

I am sorry for Huel.

But alas, Huel and I were not meant to be.

I wish Huel all the best in its future endeavours.

Self-supported, community-fuelled (thankfully not Huel-ed): Throne